Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
