I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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