I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
