You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
