He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You're like the curious george of whores
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
is that a dick in a sweater?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
