remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
