Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
