Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Randomize
