our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
