I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He? As in you personified your dick?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
