I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
