I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
