My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
