We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
