I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
