I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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