Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
