How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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