I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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