The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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