All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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