I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
