My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
