Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize