You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
