he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
