Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
