You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
