True but thats because hes a fetus.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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