there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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