you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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