So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
