In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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