Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
