In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
