the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
