i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
