There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize