I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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