You smell like stripper and shame
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My dick has a subreddit
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
