ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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