When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
