remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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