I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
