I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
