Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
