if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize