remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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