So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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