By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
