Michael Bay diarrhea
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We talked him into tasing himself.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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