He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
