How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
