New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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