Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
