I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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