Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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