Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
